The Tart in the Fireplace
by montypython203
Summary: My most controversial fic! A completely OOC, 10Rose Reinette hate fic! My version of GITF. IF YOU LIKE REINETTE, DON'T READ IT!
1. Chapter 1

_Title: The Tart in the Fireplace_

_Rating: T for a little adult language_

_Summary: A 10Rose Reinette hate fic! This is my version of GITF. Some of it includes actual dialogue, some of it has dialogue which I reckon would have been great for the real thing, and some is just a way to poke fun at Reinette._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, and some of the dialogue is borrowed. _

_Author's Note: I've had this idea in my head for so long, and it was this morning, lying in bd, that I decided to do something about it. Enjoy, all my little Reinette haters! _

**The Tart in the Fireplace**

** Chapter One**

_ Set when the Doctor goes through the fireplace the second time, to see Reinette grown up_

"Reinette!" called the Doctor. "Just checking you're okay." He looked around the room, and noticed a young woman enter it.

"Oh, hello," he said. "I was just looking for Reinette." From down the hall, a voice was heard.

"Reinette, we're ready to go!" the voice said.

"Go to the carriage mother, I will join you there," the woman said, who then turned back to the Doctor.

"Reinette!" he said.

"It is customary, I think, to have an imaginary friend only during one's childhood," she said. "You are to be congratulated on your persistence."

"Huh?" said the Doctor, trying to get his head around what Reinette had just said. "Oh, right, you mean me. Sorry, it'd be a lot easier if you didn't use more words than necessary. So, you've gotten older, I see."

"And you do not appear to have aged a single day. That is tremendously impolite of you," said Reinette, approaching the Doctor.

"Er, right," said the Doctor. "Well, lovely to catch up, but I'd better be off." The Doctor went to leave, but Reinette stopped him.

_What is this woman's problem? _thought the Doctor, as Reinette put a hand on the his cheek.

"Well, you appear to be flesh and blood, but reason tells me you cannot be real," she said.

"Yeah, that's it, I'm not real," said the Doctor. "I'm just a figment of your imagination."

"Mademoiselle! Your mother grows impatient!" called a servant.

"A moment!" said Reinette. "So many questions, so little time …" She looked into the Doctor's eyes and leaned forward to kiss him. The Doctor, however, took a big step back.

"Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" he said. "Do you make a habit out of throwing yourself at total strangers?"

"You're not a stranger," said Reinette. "I've known you since I was seven years old (**A/N** Which is historically inaccurate, because Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson did not receive the nickname "Reinette" until she was nine years old, when a fortune teller predicated that she would become the king's mistress. "Reinette" means "little queen". How about that!)."

"No no no no no, you've known _of _me since you were seven years old," said the Doctor. "There's a big difference. You don't actually know anything about me, you've merely been aware of my existence."

"I know you scared away the monsters," said Reinette. "You're my guardian angel."

"No, I was just in the right place at the right time," said the Doctor.

"Well, I know what I'd like to do to you," persisted Reinette, licking her lips.

"Well I'm afraid you're alone there, sweetheart," said the Doctor. Reinette but her lip in fury and ran out of the room. Just then the servant that had been calling before came into the room.

"What are you doing in Mademoiselle Poisson's room?" he asked the Doctor.

"Poisson?" said the Doctor. "Reinette Poisson? As in Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson, the famous slut? Of course, I should have guessed. The stuck-up attitude, the smug look on her face, the way she thought I'd be eating putty out of her hand …"

"Who are you?" the servant said.

"I'm the Doctor," replied the Doctor, stepping onto the fireplace. "And I just escaped snogging Madame de Pompadour!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Wow, so many reviews! Thank you very much. _

**Chapter Two**

_Takes place when the Doctor is going to read Reinette's mind._

After meeting up with Rose and Mickey and finding Arthur the horse, the Doctor followed a droid through a time window so he could save Reinette from it. He wished he could send Mickey so he and Rose could spend some time alone, but in the end he decided against it.

"She is incomplete," the droid said.

"Still?" said the Doctor. "Well when will she be complete? Couldn't you tell me? Coz if you aren't going to harm her while you're doing your little checks, there's really no reason for me to be here. I've got better things to do than chase around French tarts all day." The droid vanished, and the Doctor sighed.

"I suppose there's only one thing left to do," he said. "Reinette, you're going to have to trust me. Come here, this won't hurt a bit." Reinette obeyed. The Doctor gently put his hands on her temples and closed his eyes.

"Fireplace man, you are inside my mind!" Reinette exclaimed.

"Yep," said the Doctor. "Now if there's anything you don't want me to see, just imagine a door and close it. Actually you might want to put one right there … and there … and there … oh come on Reinette this is getting ridiculous! I'm trying to help you here, but you're too busy showing me stuff that I really don't want to see."

"Okay, sorry," said Reinette.

"What age are you?" asked the Doctor.

"So impertinent a question so early in the conversation. How promising," said Reinette.

"Reinette, cut the crap," said the Doctor. "Okay, you're twenty three …" Reinette suddenly shuddered and moaned.

"Oh, such a lonely childhood," she said.

"What are you on about?" said the Doctor.

"Oh Doctor, such a lonely little boy," continued Reinette. "Lonely then and lonelier now. How can you bear it?" The Doctor took his hands away and broke the connection.

"H-how did you do that?" he stammered.

"A door once opened can be stepped through in either direction," stated Reinette.

"Well you didn't have to step through it!" said the Doctor angrily. "You could have just stepped back and let me do my thing, but no! You thought …" The Doctor was silenced as Reinette put a finger over his lips.

"My lonely Doctor," she said. "Dance with me."

"Reinette, this is the night you dance with the king," said the Doctor.

"Then first, I shall make him jealous," said Reinette, smiling. "Dance with me."

"I don't want to," said the Doctor. Reinette looked into the Doctor's eyes.

"There comes a time, Time Lord," she said, "when every lonely little boy must learn how to dance."

"And there comes a time, Reinette," replied the Doctor, "when every little French tart must learn how to mind their own business. If you really looked into my mind, you'd be well aware that I already know how to dance. Furthermore, there is only one woman in the universe who I wish to dance with." The Doctor looked at his watch. "And I should be getting back to her. Goodbye." He turned to leave, but turned around at the last second.

"By the way," he added. "I'm not your Doctor. I'm hers." And with that he left.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_I've almost finished the next chapter (Rose meets Reinette), so it should be up soon. Please review!_


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm leaving out quite a bit of dialogue in this chapter so I can insert my own. Now, as far as reviews are concerned, I'd like to thank MOST of you for your kind words. As for the others, I'm hurt.  
_

**Chapter Three**

Reinette looked around her room and sighed. It had been many years since she'd seen the Doctor.

_I don't understand, _she thought. _I'm Reinette Poisson! I should be able to charm any man I want! _She thought of the Doctor's last words to her, and thought of the girl she'd seen in his mind. Suddenly, she saw the reflection of that girl in the clockface. She spun around to see Rose staring at her, and gasped.

"I'm sorry Madame de Pompadour, I didn't mean to startle you," said Rose. Reinette immediately regained her composure and started fanning herself.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"I've come to warn you that they'll be here in five years," said Rose. "Sometime after your thirty seventh birthday. I'm sorry I can't give you an exact date, it's a bit random."

"So what should I do?" asked Reinette anxiously.

_Oh, just let them do whatever they want_, thought Rose, but she quickly dismissed this fantasy. As great as it would be, it would stuff up history.

"The Doctor says to keep them talking. They're kind of programmed to respond to you. It won't stop them, but it might delay them a bit until …"

"Until what? What? What!" cried Reinette desperately.

"Until the Doctor can save you," said Rose.

"So he's coming then?" said Reinette.

"I didn't say that," said Rose. "But he'll do whatever he can to stop those things."

"The Doctor and the monsters," said Reinette, sighing. "It seems you cannot have one without the other."

"How would you know?" said Rose. "You've only known him for what, five minutes?"

"I've known him my whole life!" exclaimed Reinette.

"Yeah, and how much time have you actually spent with him?" asked Rose.

"I looked into his mind!" cried Reinette. "I learned all of his darkest secrets!"

"Big deal," said Rose. "To save his life, I looked into the heart of the TARDIS. I saw all that is, all that was, and all that ever could be. And it was killing me. But the Doctor took the power from me. He sacrificed one of his lives for me." Reinette began to go red-faced.

"Yeah, that's right," Rose continued. "And do you know how he took it from me? Do you?" She leaned in so she was speaking into Reinette's ear.

"With a kiss," she whispered. She then began to laugh. Reinette could take no more. She slapped Rose right across the cheek. Rose opened her mouth in shock.

"Oh, you just made a big mistake Frenchie!" she said, slapping Reinette back.

"You little minx!" cried Reinette

"Whore!" said Rose, before swiping at Reinette. Reinette turned to the mirror and saw the blood on her face. Gaping, she picked up the mirror and threw it at Rose, who ducked.

"Commoner!" Reinette exclaimed.

"Spoilt brat!" retaliated Rose. She lunged at Reinette and, having found a grip on her hair, pulled with all her might. Reinette screamed as she heard her hair come out. Suddenly, Mickey came into the room.

"Rose, we found the right time window," he said. "We should … oh … is this a bad time?"

"No, I was just leaving," said Rose. "Right Reinette?" Reinette, completely exhausted, sighed.

"You've won this round," she said. "But mark my words, next time we meet you'll regret ever crossing paths with me!" Mickey slowly led Rose out of the room and back onto the spaceship.

"What the hell was all that about?" he asked.

"She slapped me," said Rose.

"Ah, say no more," said Mickey. In all the years he'd known Rose, he'd learnt never to use physical violence. Otherwise, Rose couldn't be held responsible for her actions.

"Come on," he said, leading her towards the time window.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

_There was originally more to this, but I didn't really like it. Please review, but not if you're just going to flame because you like Reinette. If that's the case, you shouldn't be reading this fic._


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you all so much for your support. Now, when I originally wrote this chapter I had an idea for a very cruel prank. But as much as I hate Reinette, I thought this might be too cruel. But I didn't want to leave it out, so instead I'm posting two versions of the event._

**Chapter 4 A – The Nice Version**

"What took you so long?" asked the Doctor. "And why is your left cheek pink?"

"Don't ask," said Rose. "So is this the time window?"

"Yeah," said the Doctor. "Except there's a problem. While you were gone the droids did something to the time windows. If I go through … I won't be able to get back."

"There must be something we can do," said Rose. "I don't suppose we could use the TARDIS?"

"We're part of the events now, it wouldn't work," said the Doctor.

"But we just need something to break the connection, right?" said Rose. They all stood there thinking, then Rose snapped her fingers.

"I've got it," she said.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"I have no desire to set foot in your world," Reinette told the droid firmly.

"We do not require your feet," the droid replied. Reinette closed her eyes to shield the terror she was feeling. Suddenly, the sound of glass breaking echoed through the room, followed by a horse's whinny. Reinette opened her eyes, and gasped. It was her old horse Jean-Pierre! He'd gone missing years beforehand, and now he was back! But … there was no one riding him. Where was the Doctor? Jean-Pierre walked up to her, and she noticed he had a piece of paper attached to him with her name on it. She pulled it off. There was a section with the words READ ALOUD next to it, so she did so.

" 'The connection is broken'," she said, directing her speech at the droid. " 'You cannot return to the ship. You now have no purpose'." The droid looked at her, then gradually the ticking sound it made began to stop. Reinette smiled and read the rest of the note.

_Reinette,_

_Sorry I couldn't be there to save you. There was a problem, and leaving would have been too risky. _

_I know we parted on bad terms, and for that I'm sorry. The fact of the matter is that what you had in mind just wouldn't have worked out. We're from different worlds. You have your place in history, and I have mine._

_Good luck to you, sincerely,_

_The Doctor_

Reinette sighed. As much as she didn't want to admit it, the Doctor was right. Although she was one of the most accomplished women of her time, she had nothing compared to the Doctor.

_Besides_, she thought, _living his sort of life would give me wrinkles for sure. _

"Let's dance!" she proclaimed.

* * *

**Chapter 4 B – The Mean Version. **Warning - it's mean!

" 'The connection is broken'," she said, directing her speech at the droid. " 'You cannot return to the ship. You now have no purpose'." The droid looked at her, then gradually the ticking sound it made began to stop. Reinette smiled and read the rest of the note.

_Reinette,_

_Sorry I couldn't be there to save you. I'd give you the explanation, but your simple 18__th__ century mind probably wouldn't be able to understand it._

_I still stand by what I said before, however I'd still like to see you again. I'll be at the palace on April 16, 1764._

_ See you then, _

_ The Doctor_

_P.S. A little something from Rose._

Taped to the paper was a bit of Reinette's hair that Rose had pulled out. Reinette looked at the hair in disgust, but smiled at the thought of seeing the Doctor. He'd obviously been playing hard-to-get, and was giving her another chance. 1764 wasn't that far off, not really. Then when he came, she could claim him once and for all.

_Madame de Pompadour died on April 15, 1764._

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_I warned you! Honestly, I don't think anyone deserves to be tricked like that. Please don't be too harsh in your reviews!_

_Only one chapter to go now._


	5. Chapter 5

_Just a small chapter to finish things off. I couldn't wait another day to post it!_**  
**

**Chapter 5  
**  
"We did it!" exclaimed Rose, hugging the Doctor.

"_You _did it Rose," the Doctor corrected. He threw his arms around Rose, picked her up and spun her around. "My brilliant, clever Rose." He put her down and looked into her eyes.

"If you hadn't thought of sending Arthur on his own, I'd be trapped in the 18th century right now," he said.

"Oh, I'm sure you'd figure out a way to get back," said Rose.

"That's beside the point," said the Doctor. "When I said I wouldn't leave you behind, I meant it with all my hearts. And do you know why?" Rose looked at the Doctor in anticipation.

"W-why?" she asked timidly.

"Because I love you," said the Doctor. "More than life itself. And I know we acknowledged that we can't literally be together forever, but I don't car-" The Doctor was cut off as Rose brought her lips to his. It took him a moment to realise what was happening. Rose was kissing him! He closed his eyes and melted into the kiss, moaning as his tongue danced with Rose's. When they finally broke apart he was breathless.

"Does this mean…?" he began

"Yeah," said Rose, smiling. "I love you too. And I'm going to make the most of the time I have with you. " The Doctor smiled and held Rose close to him. As he kissed her on the top of her head, he remembered what Reinette had said about him.

"_**Lonely then and lonelier now."**_

_No, _he thought. _Not anymore._

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

_Awwwww, I love a happy ending! _


End file.
